Where's MY lightning bolt?!

This time last year, I had just finished my application process and had been approved for the month long Romania trip through Adventures In Missions. At the time, I didn't realize what this meant for the nearly 17 year old un-admitted Agnostic that I was. I spent the next few months fund raising, connecting with my team mates on Facebook, and counting down the days until we left for our trip. I spent a month with them growing, being broken and learning what it really means to love like Christ has loved us. My life was turned around, and before I knew it, I was a new person and I was home. Home. . . and that trip that had consumed almost a year of my life from application to preparation to actual travel was over. I had been uncomfortable and pushed past my limits but given so much more than I could have asked for, and I was ready to get right back on a plane and go on another adventure in the name of Christ. But it wouldn't happen until the next summer. 


That being said, AIM just posted their Real Life (college age group) summer 2011 trips. There are 13 of them, each one different and ranging from anywhere to Africa to Southeast Asia to Central America. They all look awesome and I'm so excited to see the stories that come from them. I've been waiting on this list since before we got home from Romania, anxious to be signed up and fund raising for my next adventure. When I signed up for Romania last year, I knew immediately it was where I was supposed to go. I saw the trip on the list and felt immediately called there. I don't even know what the other trips they offered where. I guess I expected the same thing to happen this year, so I read over the list. . . and read over the list. . . and did the same thing a few more times, and I got nothing. While I'm reading over the list for the millionth time, my Romania teammate Ian text messages me and says he's going to the Amazon; he got a "lightning bolt from God" about it. "GREAT!" I said aloud to God, tossing my head back, "Where's MY lightning bolt?!"
Patience isn't exactly my thing. Honestly, neither is just trusting COMPLETELY on faith. I really struggle to just go with something without God providing a solid sign that it's what I should do, especially if He draws it out over a long period of time (I have a tendency to say, "Okay, if you REALLY want me to talk to that girl over there, make her scratch her nose when I look over at her!", you know, stupid stuff like that). And those kinds of struggles, impatience and complicated trust, are exactly the kinds of character flaws I learned to overcome in Romania, and when I prayed that the things I learned this summer would continue to be taught to me as I came home, God didn't ignore that prayer. Needless to say, He isn't going to send me a lightning bolt. He's going to make me work at it. 
Through two days of pretty extensive prayer, talking with a close friend, and praying some more, I've gotten it narrowed down from 13 to 2, even though last night I was pretty sure I had gotten my "lightning bolt" and figured out where I was going. 

The two? Uganda or Thailand. 
These trips are both very different. These trips are both very difficult. Uganda is a country that has been plagued by war and seen so much hurt, and Thailand is one of the biggest countries of human trafficking. Uganda is full of children who have lost their families to the war and fought as child soldiers and so much more, and Thailand is filled with women looking for hope after escaping the sex trade. 
Uganda and Thailand both break my heart. Uganda has the kids I thought I could work with, Thailand has the girls I know I'm called to work with. Uganda means public speaking and Thailand means incredibly spiritual and emotional strength. When I prayed over the unannounced trips, I prayed that if God sent me to Southeast Asia, it'd be anywhere but Thailand. When I prayed to be sent to a country to work with kids, I prayed that it wouldn't involved as much public speaking as Africa always does.
Obviously, I'm facing a challenge here, since He has narrowed it down to these two for me. Being completely honest, Uganda just scares the life out of me because I don't feel comfortable speaking, but I don't feel adequate enough to help the women of Thailand, even if I know those feelings of inadequacy are largely Satan whispering death in my ear to discourage me from God's plan. 


I'm not getting a lightning bolt. I have to learn patience in this one, and I have to learn to trust where He needs me to go without some grand feeling of security or miraculous sign of confirmation. I have to learn to rely completely on Him for this one and risk feeling really stupid or entirely uncomfortable. 
Thankfully, I have time to pray this one out.