I was one of the first people signed up for the Romania trip, almost a year before we even left, all of my college applications were submitted during the early decision deadline. I was registered for two classes before most people even knew where they were going, and I know in August what I'm being for Halloween (This year is an exception. . .).
This is why the future scares the living crap out of me.
The future is like this far off distant place that is also incredibly close. The choices I make right now have a permanent impact on my future. Even the little things make a difference. For example, I could have chosen to just point the way to the library for the girl in my ASL class instead of walking with her, and then I wouldn't have realized I'm not the only person who has no clue what they are doing and I wouldn't have gotten a study partner. But see, I don't always get to make the decisions. That's where I have to learn to let go and trust that Jesus has it all under control. Easier said than done. For someone who likes to have control of their situation and know where I'm going, this is one of the most difficult things I've dealt with and will always deal with. I don't know if you've noticed this, but I can be kind of stubborn. (ME?! Stubborn? I know, shocking. /sarcasm.)
God has been putting a lot of emphasis on faith in my life lately. He is really trying to show me that I can trust Him, and He has a hold of me and my future and every aspect of my life. Being a control freak, I don't want to let go and just walk through day to day life not being in the drivers seat. I'll just openly admit that. There's no use in pretending any differently. I know He handles it all better than I ever could and His plans for my life are far beyond what I can imagine or ever create. Still, it's incredibly difficult for me to let go and trust this, especially since what he's revealed to me is a challenge. It's out of my comfort zone. He brought me back from Romania, but he isn't putting me back in that comfort zone I left behind. He's pushing me forward and leading me into big things. But it's hard.
See, I'm kind of a train wreck of disgusting emotions. I'm judgmental and I hold grudges (Over two years later, I'm still fighting back the urge to "accidentally" kick the seat of the girl from the youth group that hurt me as she sits in front of me in Psychology class) and I can be very short tempered. And hey, let's just look at my track record: I'm not exactly a nice person. I definitely struggle to love people.
And God has called ME to the mission field? Yeah. It still shocks me too. Don't worry.
It's the times I look in the mirror and see myself through human eyes (MY eyes), that I feel so incredibly inadequate. Its those moments that I want to (and often do) look at God and say, "Really? I'm not the one you need for this job. Look at so and so, they have it together. They would offer their roommate half the fridge instead of biting back a bit of frustration when they put something in without asking or close the blinds by 7PM every night,".
He and I were discussing these rough aspects of my personality last night as I prayed over the upcoming year and the decisions we have to make (Yes, we. Not just me. He and I.) when I got a text message from my friend Charis. All that was said was a verse from The Message translation. She claimed she couldn't sleep until she sent it to me, but she didn't know why. She just had to send it.
"So this is my prayer: that your love will flourish and that you will not only love much but well. Learn to love appropriately. You need to use your head and test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent, not sentimental gush. Live a lover's life, circumspect and exemplary, a life Jesus will be proud of: bountiful in fruits from the soul, making Jesus Christ attractive to all, getting everyone involved in the glory and praise of God."
- Philippians 1:9-11 (The Message)
and from my translation:
"And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ to the glory and praise of God,"- Philippians 1:9-11 (ESV)
Thanks, God. Sometimes (Okay, a lot of the time) I do need those little moments of affirmation. Maybe I can do this after all. All it takes is a little (or a lot of) faith, trust, and God-sent-text-messages-from-dear-friends.