An ill prepared train wreck.

I like to plan ahead. 
I was one of the first people signed up for the Romania trip, almost a year before we even left, all of my college applications were submitted during the early decision deadline. I was registered for two classes before most people even knew where they were going, and I know in August what I'm being for Halloween (This year is an exception. . .). 

This is why the future scares the living crap out of me. 
The future is like this far off distant place that is also incredibly close. The choices I make right now have a permanent impact on my future. Even the little things make a difference. For example, I could have chosen to just point the way to the library for the girl in my ASL class instead of walking with her, and then I wouldn't have realized I'm not the only person who has no clue what they are doing and I wouldn't have gotten a study partner. But see, I don't always get to make the decisions. That's where I have to learn to let go and trust that Jesus has it all under control. Easier said than done. For someone who likes to have control of their situation and know where I'm going, this is one of the most difficult things I've dealt with and will always deal with. I don't know if you've noticed this, but I can be kind of stubborn. (ME?! Stubborn? I know, shocking. /sarcasm.) 

God has been putting a lot of emphasis on faith in my life lately. He is really trying to show me that I can trust Him, and He has a hold of me and my future and every aspect of my life. Being a control freak, I don't want to let go and just walk through day to day life not being in the drivers seat. I'll just openly admit that. There's no use in pretending any differently. I know He handles it all better than I ever could and His plans for my life are far beyond what I can imagine or ever create. Still, it's incredibly difficult for me to let go and trust this, especially since what he's revealed to me is a challenge. It's out of my comfort zone. He brought me back from Romania, but he isn't putting me back in that comfort zone I left behind. He's pushing me forward and leading me into big things. But it's hard. 

See, I'm kind of a train wreck of disgusting emotions. I'm judgmental and I hold grudges (Over two years later, I'm still fighting back the urge to "accidentally" kick the seat of the girl from the youth group that hurt me as she sits in front of me in Psychology class) and I can be very short tempered. And hey, let's just look at my track record: I'm not exactly a nice person. I definitely struggle to love people.
And God has called ME to the mission field? Yeah. It still shocks me too. Don't worry. 
It's the times I look in the mirror and see myself through human eyes (MY eyes), that I feel so incredibly inadequate. Its those moments that I want to (and often do) look at God and say, "Really? I'm not the one you need for this job. Look at so and so, they have it together. They would offer their roommate half the fridge instead of biting back a bit of frustration when they put something in without asking or close the blinds by 7PM every night,". 
He and I were discussing these rough aspects of my personality last night as I prayed over the upcoming year and the decisions we have to make (Yes, we. Not just me. He and I.) when I got a text message from my friend Charis. All that was said was a verse from The Message translation. She claimed she couldn't sleep until she sent it to me, but she didn't know why. She just had to send it.


"So this is my prayer: that your love will flourish and that you will not only love much but well. Learn to love appropriately. You need to use your head and test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent, not sentimental gush. Live a lover's life, circumspect and exemplary, a life Jesus will be proud of: bountiful in fruits from the soul, making Jesus Christ attractive to all, getting everyone involved in the glory and praise of God."
- Philippians 1:9-11 (The Message) 

and from my translation: 

"And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ to the glory and praise of God,"

- Philippians 1:9-11 (ESV)

Thanks, God. Sometimes (Okay, a lot of the time) I do need those little moments of affirmation. Maybe I can do this after all. All it takes is a little (or a lot of) faith, trust, and God-sent-text-messages-from-dear-friends.

Mockingjay.

SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT.

Yes, amidst all of my college reading and classwork, I finally got to read Mockingjay, the final book in The Hunger Games trilogy. But now that the reading is over, I actually have some college work to do before debriefing my week with Betsie Boo tonight. Therefore, you shall get a more detailed review later (plus, a lot of my friends haven't finished it yet, so I'll hold off on more details until they have. Nevertheless, my bullet point list will have some spoilers.). 

- "You love me. Real or not real?" Yes. Yes! YES!
- Despite the action that went on, I felt like the writing wasn't descriptive enough in these scenes.
- FINNICK. It was Fred freaking Weasley all over again. 
- The execution scene was just how I wanted it to go down.

Basically, Catching Fire was my favorite followed by The Hunger Games and then Mockingjay. But this was easily the best trilogy I've read in a long time.

I'm too busy to really blog.

a. I am seeing two of my Romania teammates, Haley and Ian, in merely 11 days. Excitement doesn't even begin to cover the emotions I'm feeling. 

b. My cousin is going to be an exchange student in Ireland this fall. I'm a college freshman. We've been through all of life's big adventures together, so it's no exception that this happens at the same time. We're working on a joint blog called potatoesandtextbooks. I'm setting it up and editing it tonight. I'll link it for you soon. It's going to be awesome, and you can subscribe via email so it's easy to keep up with. 

c. I'm really excited for my Religion class tomorrow.

Exploding feet, space marines, and the classic panic attack.

After a lot of time off campus and the panic attack to end all panic attacks, I think I've realized that I can do this whole college thing. I realized this a bit late, rushing back to campus at 11PM last night to throw everything together and print off my syllabus for Religion and get everything ready to use my mad elliptical skills at this gym before class. (So the latter didn't happen this morning, but it will tomorrow morning. I have to get my morning routine timed and perfect first.)  

My English professor looks like Ryan Gosling with a ponytail and let's us call him by his first name. He's quiet and deep voiced with a Masters in Creative Writing and made me feel completely comfortable as I was the only one in class who spoke above a mumble and had to introduce myself first (darned "A" last name. You are the bane of my preferably quiet existence. . .). His class is going to be largely reading and analyzing and discussing with a lot of opinion based writing, and no final exam. In fact, neither class I've taken today had a final exam. Celebrate? Yeah basically. 
My Religion professor sent out the world's scariest syllabus that put pictures of a bitter old Atheist man into my mind. Needless to say, I didn't go into this class feeling too excited about life, and the classroom didn't help. It's in a giant lecture room with stadium seating, flickering lights, and no windows. Three minutes before class starts, a man with an almost triangular formation of black curls on the literal top of his head, diamond studs in each ear lobe, and a goatee walks to the front of the room, sets two books on either side of the chalkboard and shouts, "DO YOU SEE THESE BOOKS?! BUY THIS ONE *dramatic gesture towards the one on his right* NOT THIS ONE *dramatic gesture to the one on his left*" 
Imagine if Zach Galifianakis was teaching your Religion class, hated the classroom so much he joked about it being an experiment from the Psychology department and compared it to the Mel Gibson movie "Conspiracy Theory", used your feet exploding as the example of what to get a doctors note for, and screamed "MY DAMNED SON AGAIN!" when his phone rang then picked it up and went "I'M IN CLASS!" and hung up. 
Yeah, it's going to be a very interesting and entertaining semester in Religion class. 
My last class of the day isn't until 3:30, so I went and got some lunch and attempted to read some of the book I'm currently reading while the guys at the table next to me (very passionately) discussed what it takes to become a Space Marine. (Yes, I was dying to take them all outside and show them the real world, but I refrained.) 


Maybe I'm not so bad at this college thing after all. Who knows, before long maybe I'll even (Wait for it. . . ) LIKE it. (GASP, I know. Insanity.)

Dorm Room Tour.

I guess I should be that cliche freshman and show you what my dorm looks like. So ladies and gentlemen, sit back and buckle your seat belts, keep your hands and feet inside the blog at all times, and enjoy. 
My dorm is located right next to the tennis courts and soccer fields and houses mostly freshman. After a long climb up three flights of stairs, you arrive at my room. 
This is my bed and dresser. 

My bed is on 7 inch lifts and because I'm only 5'1'' (I grew an inch before Romania. I feel like I'm a whole foot taller now.), I am forced to literally hop up onto it. Hopefully I won't be breaking my legs this year or else I'll be sleeping on the floor. My slightly spastic and almost mentally challenged fish, Bashina, sits on the dresser. If he dies this year (Which he shouldn't. I'm a good mom.), Roomie and I are going to legitimately have a funeral for him and bury him somewhere on campus. 

Then we move onto my desk area. 

                                      

 My desk is home to everything from Paduch the computer to my books and make up and a Woody toothbrush holder who is serving as a holder for my computer charger chord. I basically live here, sitting in the desk chair that wants to be a rocking chair and scares me periodically when I move by making me feel like I'm going to fall backwards. It's baller. Behind my desk you see my closet door where basically everything else is stored. 

And that's it. 

It's small and simple, but it's where I'm living for the next two semesters and has a pretty decent view of the soccer fields and tennis courts, so I'll at least never have a lack of entertainment. So I'm not complaining.

The Very Worst College Student.

If I had to make an estimate for you, I'd say that since I moved into my dorm on Wednesday morning 95% of my time has been spent off campus. 
Obviously, I'm REALLY good at this whole college thing. 

I'm going to be completely honest with you, I'm not digging this too much. I'm hoping once classes start and I have something to focus on, things will get better. . . but for now I'm just not digging it. Nothing about this whole staying out late at night midnight freeze tag knock on strangers doors and live in a room with someone you just met lifestyle appeals to my born-30-years-old soul. There was a time when I found it exciting to play freeze tag at midnight and stay up really late and eat a lot of junk food, but that was in 8th grade. At this point in my life, I'm much more content with spending my evenings with a book and a cup of tea, then jumping (literally with this bed. It's lifted 7 inches off the ground and was already kind of high to begin with.) into bed by 11. Maybe I'm boring, but I'd rather sit and have coffee with you than throw a frisbee or go to a party. 
Another factor into my whole "College just isn't my thing" and off campus lifestyle is the fact that I'm going to school in my hometown. The past two years of my life have been filled with sentences like "When I move back to Greensboro. . ." and have revolved around plans for coming home to see the people I grew up with and my family we left behind when we moved to Charlotte. Unlike everyone who moved here from other cities and states, this is my home. I know this town like the back of my hand and have friends and family I've been dying to be able to spend time with again. It's not a necessity for me to make friends at school because I have friends here already. I guess I should have thought about that more before enrolling, shouldn't I? 

Basically, in short, I've spent the majority of my time off campus with my best friend and family and have gone to bed early the nights I've been here, while my roommate is always gone and out late. I'm perfectly content come Monday when classes start to be that girl from room 314 who gets up early, goes to the gym, goes to her classes, and studies. I'm probably going to look into the Campus Outreach group on Tuesday nights, because the guys from the group that helped me move my boxes on Wednesday were really cool, but otherwise I'm content with my chill lifestyle. If I get lonely, I'll talk to one of the girls on my hall or my roommate when she's here or I'll go see Ashleigh or call up a teammate or go see my family. I have options, and it's not like I'm planning on holing up in my room, eating alone in my room, and never seeing day light. I still plan on bathing and getting out in the sun and I'll definitely have my classes completely covered and my 15 gross Romania pounds lost. 
I'm just really content to read my books and drink my tea and go to bed at 11 when everyone else is just beginning their night out. I didn't come to college to party, I came to get a degree because college is such a necessary evil and I need to be prepared.

Team Romania.

Betsie drew this adorable picture of our team. From left to right: Jessie, Bryan, Sarah W, Haley, Betsie, Emily, Me, Ian, and Kelsey. This basically made my very, very dismal night so much happier.